Friday, January 31, 2014

I feel like I need to take a step back and recharge my batteries.  A great many of my readers are also friends on Facebook, so you have witnessed how up and down my life has been the last couple years.  It's been chaos in its purest form, and I honestly think a brief hiatus would help.  I'm on the fast track to burning myself out, I can see it coming a mile away, so I think it's time I just stop for a minute.  Remind myself of those important things in life.  My health, for starters.  My kids.  Both of them, my little ginger demon Daniel and the little spoken-of Alex.  But that's my issue, not yours, so it need not be discussed now.

There's been a lot going on up in my neck of the woods, and it seems like every single time I turn around, I've been neck-deep in some shit or another.  I'm just glad Daniel's been with his dad for it, because there have been nights I haven't come home simply because I'm too tired to make the drive.  Nothing illegal, I assure you.  But I gotta keep myself fed somehow.  If all else fails, I'm a damn useful minion when the occasion calls for it.  But that's part of why I sent him to Daddy's to begin with: I knew I was gonna be running like a chicken with its head cut off to make ends meet while taking this boot camp.

I've run myself ragged, and if I keep on like this, I feel like I'm going to drown.  And I know I'm repeating myself, but my brain just can't really form the right words to describe how I'm feeling.

And the boot camp thing.... I did learn, I did.  But I feel like my grasp on the logics and the way it all fits together just isn't strong enough yet to benefit the company that trained me.  I fully admit that I do need more training, but right now, I can't go through more training.  I'm just in no position to.  I've stretched my resources as thin as I could without snapping, and I can't stretch any more.  When I am once again in a position where I COULD go through more training, I will.

But... I need my kids.  My emotions have been going haywire, and each day in a quiet, mostly clean, empty apartment is a little worse than the last.  I miss my little ginger snot, and I would honestly like a chance to get to know the little blonde idjit my mother describes to me.

I know some people don't believe in mental well-being and health to be just as important as physical health, but there is a point where it is.  I cannot stay focused on anything right now, and I feel it would be in EVERYBODY'S best interests as related to me if I went home for a bit.

So I'm going to.  I'm gonna play and laugh and remember what it's like to enjoy life.  I'm 25, for fuck's sake.  I should not be feeling THIS bad.  It's a bit ridiculous.

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