Sunday, May 31, 2009

Scarlet Whore'Hara

So. I made a post some time ago, shamelessly whoring out promoting Redhead's sister's business. The hemp cloth diapers. Yeah, you guys remember it right? Anybody remember what else I said?

Yeah, I was getting a van in trade for working for her. Well, we got the van about four days before I popped and had the baby. Got it inspected, got some temp tags, got the title, yada yada...

Well, the van, she needs some work. Nothing major, really. Already got the tie rod replaced on it, that was number one on the list of things to get fixed. If you know absolutely ANYTHING about cars, you know that if the tie rod busts, you're pretty much fucked sideways. It's a sitting duck, no matter WHERE you are. When I got it inspected, it passed the inspection, but just barely with that tie rod. My mom came up for a week and while she was here, she paid to have that fixed. She's helping me a lot with the cost of getting it all fixed up, mainly because that's what's going to be carrying her grandson around, and once it's all fixed, I'll be bringing her precious little Punkin Doodle to Texas for a visit this summer. So, yeah, repairs are a major priority for her.

Well, one of the issues the van's been having... We couldn't figure it out. It could have been any number of small issues, and we didn't have the spare cash to pay a mechanic to plug it into a computer and find out what's doing it. Pretty much, it'll start up and drive okay, but when you stop at a light or whatever, the RPMs rev up and down, and it tries to lurch out from under you if you aren't careful. And, you know, it randomly dies. That REALLY sucks, but it always started right back up.

Yeah. That's a problem. And it could be any number of things, like I said. But we did notice that the battery cables were in pretty bad shape, so I went up to AutoZone to buy some. They went out as a precaution (to keep me from spending some 30-odd dollars on cables if it was actually unnecessary) and tested the battery and alternator. Then they noticed that the Check Engine light was on. Plug it into a computer for FREE! Sweet shit on toast.

Only trouble codes that popped up were for the two O2 sensors. Nothing TOO serious, just a couple of $50 parts that I could put in myself. And if it goes without replacing, all it'll really do is affect my gas mileage. Okay then. Call Mom and tell her, she'll send money Tuesday for the parts. Cool.

Well, I went to Walgreens earlier for something or another, and Walgreens didn't have it. Of course. Go figure. Alrighty, get in the van and head to Walmart instead. They usually have everything I need. Put the key in the ignition, turn it, watch the dashboard light up. Go to start it...

Click. No lights.

"Don't you do this to me you fucking whore, it's 90 degrees outside and I can't afford to get you towed home."

Try again. Turn, click. Nothing.

"You piece of shit cock sucking whore of a van..."

Pop the hood, check the cables' connections, try again. Stood there for twenty minutes waiting for Sister to show up and jump me and leave the portable jumper with me, just in case it tried this shit again.

She gets there, hook up the jumper cables, try to start it... still nothing.

"Whore ass cock sucker... You better fucking start, or I swear to the gods I'll fill your gas tank with moth balls and destroy everything you love..."

We ended up getting her started, after much swearing in English and Spanish both, and much fiddling with battery cables in the hot afternoon sun.

I was so glad that I didn't have Daniel with me. I would have most likely had a melt down of the nuclear variety with him out in that heat while trying to get that van started.

A random stranger gave the cables a good yank and power was restored to the vehicle. So I bought battery cables, and now I'm trying to rustle up a friend with some tools to help me get the damned things put in. I don't like it stalling on me in the middle of traffic, nor do I like the lurching.

Which brings me to the title of this post.

Everybody names their vehicles. Well, anybody who has a sense of humor and likes to personalize their car. You get to know the vehicle, you give it an appropriate name.

Redhead and I were calling her Lurch, for the obvious reason. Well, after my mild rage at her behavior in the Walgreens parking lot, I came home to complain to Redhead about it.

Me: "Fucking whore ass bitch of a van... What a whore. And she's red, too. Like a scarlet woman, only a van."

Redhead: "...Scarlet Whore'Hara. Hahahaha..."

And it stuck. So, now she's Scarlet Whore'Hara.

...fucking whore van...

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