Better men than me have written wise
words in regards to what today means in the history of our country,
so I'm not even going to try, beyond saying that it is another day
that will live in infamy, though fewer and fewer will speak of it.
Just like 9/11, the truest of patriots will never let the day the
Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor be forgotten.
And now, onto other news.
RobbAllen is not the only one who has been doing soul
searching. But he admits to having no soul as well as no pants, and
I am a whole other ball game. I do have a soul, I just don't know
what to do with it at this juncture in my life.
I have a Bible, given to me by a
friend. I'm in a rough spot in my life, as some of my closer friends
in the blogosphere have been told. Got the job, got the apartment,
got the friends and the car and I'm doing pretty well for myself,
considering how things in the past have gone for me since I started
SFTSM. But it's hard, it really is. I'm lonely. I mean, I have
Fake Redhead here with me, and she is a grand friend, don't get me
wrong. But a lot of nights, my mind is full of so many thoughts that
I just can't voice to her because while we have gone through a lot of
the same hardships in life, there are some things that she hasn't
suffered through, not to mention we don't have the same mindset in a
lot of ways, so she wouldn't understand what is bothering me most of
the time. I don't want to burden her with that weight, so I just
keep my mouth shut.
I can see myself blogging a bit more
now, and she can turn her phone into a wifi hotspot long enough for
me to upload a post whenever the fancy strikes me. Don't expect me
to start posting as often as Tam, though. Don't get your hopes up
quite yet, ya'll. Being a single mother, even with a roommate who is
a parent and is willing to help, I'm still strapped for free time and
the urge to write, whether it be a blog post, a letter, or pure
fiction (not all can be found here, smart asses). But I do have a
feeling that I might be able to crank out a small handful of posts in
a month's time, and who knows, hopefully sooner or later we will
actually have internet here.
But anyway. What was I saying? Oh
yes. The Bible.
I'm lonely. I have a few friends, but
not many. I'm on my own, with no one I can turn to at any hour of
the day and night. I'm pretty lost most of the time, and I must
admit, I'm drowning under the weight of trying to both be a
responsible adult and survive and live up to the expectations that
people have of me. Remember the blog post a few months back, where I
said I wanted to just be ME, and not the Dickless Guy Friend for a
while? Yeah, shit like that.
But... I'm alone. I realize that. I
can feel myself going down that slippery slope into the territory of
being a Bad Person, and I don't want to turn into that. And right
now, I need some sort of guidance. I'm not saying I believe in God
quite yet, or that I'm ready to start attending church. I don't know
what I believe, but I do know that I don't want to feel so damned
alone. And several close personal friends have suggested that maybe
going to church and praying would be good for me. Help my soul find
some peace, maybe rid myself of some of the anguish that I carry
daily. Good ol' Stud Roomie from last year understood it, he
understood me very well. He knew how to read my moods and adapt to
them, and he knew how to calm me down from a fiery rage with barely a
word. I miss him, more than words can describe. That man truly was
my best friend.
Who knows. Maybe I will start to
believe. Maybe I will go to church. Who knows, maybe some day,
against all odds, some of you weirdos will receive invitations to a
wedding starring me that takes place in a church. It's too early to
tell, of course, but anything can happen, right? That's what they
keep telling me, anyway.
~*~*~
I have a Christmas tree in the trunk of
my car at the moment. After hauling groceries up and putting them
away (I live in a second story apartment), my out-of-shape ass was
too damn tired to go back down and haul the tree up. It's a light
little thing, just a four foot fake one because there's no room in my
apartment for a full sized monstrosity, plus they didn't have the one
I wanted in six foot size. But still. Those stairs are a bitch when
you're fat and out of shape. But there's a tree, I promise, and
ornaments, and everything. Fake Redhead loves this time of year, and
she's looking forward to decorating and doing the Christmas thing
with me and Daniel. I may have to make some peppermint hot cocoa and
allow her to play Christmas music while we decorate it at some point
this weekend. I hate Christmas music, like no other. There's only
so many ways you can re-do the same songs before they make me want to
shove an ice pick in my ear. Fake Redhead, of course, ADORES
Christmas music. Go figure. But I think for the sake of doing the
holiday thing right, I'll let it slide for one day and she can play
the music. Maybe we can even get Daniel to understand it. Last year
the holiday explanation sort of fell by the wayside, but now Daniel
is talking and understanding a lot better, so I think when we
decorate the tree, we'll try and get him excited for it.
~*~*~
Daniel gets to go see his dad pretty
regularly, I will say. Every couple of weeks we drive down for a
weekend visit, because I live two hundred miles away. I would have
preferred to live in Springfield, because that town is more my pace
and my size, and I have a lot of fun there, but last time I tried
finding a job, it just didn't work. Really enjoy the town, but even
if it was just me, I couldn't even begin to make ends meet on a
hundred bucks a week from donating plasma.
Every now and then Daniel goes to stay
with his dad for a week. I'm mature enough to admit that I
occasionally need a break, and though his dad is a raging twat and we
only get along in small increments, he does love his son. He's just
not so great with being a full-time father, so weekends and
occasional week-long visits work. He stayed with him over
Thanksgiving break, and the week before Christmas he's gonna go stay
again with Dad. I'll pick him up the weekend before Christmas, and
then we're gonna go visit my very good friend Madame Lawyer in St.
Louis.
Madame Lawyer is a new character in
this story, too. She's pretty fantastic. She says she's gonna adopt
me, because I've helped her with some personal issues, so she's
looking out for me whenever she can. And hey, who couldn't use a
lawyer in their corner from time to time? But she's been pretty
close over the past couple of months, and she's like “Gurl, you
need a break. Bring Daniel out for a weekend and we'll go to the zoo
and we'll go ice skating and we'll do all manner of stuff and you'll
have a nice little mini-vacation.”
… Okay, cool with me. The Civic gets
fantastic gas mileage, so it won't cost me an arm and a leg for gas
like it would with the Death Star, though I still miss that truck
like nobody's business. So I'm gonna go to St. Louis the weekend
before Christmas, and Daniel and Fake Redhead and I will have
Christmas here in Casa de Snark. Don't know quite yet what we'll do
as far as Christmas dinner goes, but hey, that's not the important
part. Family and friends and love are.
~*~*~
So that's how things are rocking here.
I got a feeling you will start to see more blog posts from me,
simply for the catharsis. I've got so many thoughts spinning like a
whirlwind in my skull I fear I'll go insane most days, so this would
definitely help. It's why I started writing here to begin with,
right? Why not take advantage of that?
Goodnight, internet. Til next time,
same Snark time, same Snark channel.
